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| home in georgia for half the summer.
its not suppose to be hard to be home
its suppose to be easy, where you feel most your self and relaxed
right??
than why dont i feel at home here?
unfulfilled.
nothing makes sense like it used to.
i feel perfectly wonderful enclosed in my house. my amazing family, although there are new additions, its still the best thing in my life. My jeep is the same, i still know all the roads and shortcuts. everything physically is in its place. although it some how still feels different.
am i the problem? i am the x factor. am i whats so different?
Besides my family living here, Georgia is not my home anymore.
i never thought it would be hard to say that.
in high school i just wanted to leave and get out.
now that its all actually being taken away, i almost dont want it to.
its actually time to move on, God has other things for me.
why do i have to say goodbye to so many places?
and people?
how can some people say goodbye forever?
rip it all away
how do i not have a choice?
i cant understand what forever means
how do you walkaway?
i feel more comfortable in new york. i dont fit in here anymore. i feel lost here.
2 years is a long time. have i really been gone that long?
so much of me has changed in only a year. my mindset is completely different than that of a year ago.
i have cried a lot yet i have learned even more.
change is painful. its nice to just hold onto the old.
but God asks us to lay it all down. thats right every single thing.
God has been teaching me about sacrifice.
wow it really hurts.
being refined in the fire actually hurts, but you know its the right thing.
ever known deep down what you have to do, yet dont want to because it just down right hurts? it would be so much easier to not worry about conesquences and just do whatever feels good at the moment. but ive tried that, and i think it is more painful that way. God has much more for us than that.
how about being faithful in the small things, what seems so insignificant at the time. whats the harm? who cares?
God does. he expects so much more from me. and i want to give him so much more.
does he not deserve it? there is nothing in the world i can do it show God how deserving he is, because i am absolutely nothing. i dont deserve even life. yet here i am alive today.
he is challenging me. will i live up to it? i ask and desire so much, but do i really mean it?
we want to live this fantastic and humble life for Jesus, be like the great heroes in the Bible. but do we realize at what cost? the discomfort the pain the sacrifice? its sure not glamorous, i know that much.
am i ready to actually take up my cross daily and follow him? and actually mean it? forget the fancy and religous words.
i could live a safe and secure life for Christ. and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. buts thats not me. thats not my desire. i want to burn deap within for him every day of my life. i would rather die at 25 out trying to make a difference in some ones life than of old age in my sleep at 80 knowing i could have done so much more.
what about sacrificing yourself in order to save others? to bring a better life to people you dont even know. i want to help cause change, real change in this world.
there are some things i will never understand. and i am learning to be okay with that. i dont need to understand or know all the answers. i just have to be faithfull.
why are some people taken out of your life, while others you cant get rid of?
wow that sounds mean, but im just being very honest.
maybe they are left there to be redeemed? to show me that it wasnt all in vain.
there must be a reason they keep popping up. first i thought it was a reminder of past mistakes.
tonight i was broken. all resentment, bitterness, or anger left me. and in the end i felt uncoontrolably sorry. i felt too sorry to pass any more blame.
"forgive them father, for they know not what they do"
do you ever just cry for people? not just your family or bestest friends. people who you may not naturally love because you feel they have some how wronged you or hurt you. but you do because you know they are so lost? yet you hold the map, you know that there is so much more for them, but they cant see it.
truthfully, it makes me sick to my stomach.
can i be real here? sometimes doing the right thing sucks. it doesnt feel good. you dont get praised for it, theres no prize, or anyone patting you on the back saying "well done, you deserve a gold star!". sometimes its the opposite. yet you know somehow its still right. you still cant go back becasue you feel too strongly about it. and sometimes you feel like you completely messed up that right thing. because what is right? what is wrong? dont worry i am not about to get philosophical on you. i dont care too much for philosophy to be honest. all i know is when you hear God's voice, its hard to ignore, at least i am scared to ignore it. because my trust is in him. it has to be otherwise i would be utterly lost in this big world.
i doubt anyone has stayed with me this far, i dont blame you for stopping half way through these ramblings.
its ok, because its not for anyone.
sometimes you just have to get it out, send it off into the abyss, otherwise i feel that my head might explode.
if anyone is still reading this congratulations, but sorry there is no prize at the end.
just me.
sitting here pondering all that is inside of me.
i am losing myself in finding you
and it is beautiful
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| DISPLACE ME pictures finally:
http://fitnyc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2030003&l=850e8&id=35402881
it was AMAZING. i am at a loss for words. it breaks me - to think of all these suffering and lost people.
i cant wait to graduate and actually go DO something about this all.
i want to help fight to end global slavery - is that too big of a goal? maybe not big enough....
i cant get it out of my head, i cant stop thinking about it. i hope i never forget. is this my calling? i want to save children from all over the world - give them a new life. how does fashion play into all of this? i think it will all connect eventually, in its own special way. who says i gotta play by the rules? i dont like being normal anyways. its not nearly as fun.
its finally hitting me - i am a world changer , we are world changers. i have heard that said so many times, but its actually becoming real to me now. we are a generation of DOERS.
i am also realizing that following Jesus in its self is ultimately the greatest adventure. and you know how much i love adventures....
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| Campus Harvest was this past weekend. AMAZING, just to get out of the city, see my Metty family and duckie, ride in cars and look at trees, hear from God, worship Him, get emotional healing, and grow closer with my friends.
oh and the weather was sunny and in the 80s all weekend.
click on this to see pictures!
http://fitnyc.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2027538&l=6f9aa&id=35402881
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